With a Little Help From My Friends - Helping A Friend Through Mental Illness
I’ve been challenged and even blessed with being an accountability partner to a dear friend as he navigates through his challenges with mental illness, specifically depression. There are so many things I could write regarding the last two years or so and how they’ve impacted me and hopefully how I’ve impacted my friend. I could talk probably for hours about experiences from how I first found out about his mental illness, to the first time I saw him in a depressive episode, to the day that he really let me in on the root of it all. While I will weave a few pertinent stories into this, I think my time writing this blog is probably better used giving some advice and encouragement to anyone who may be helping someone who has a mental illness. Mental illness, like any other serious illness, needs community help to bear the load. Here are a few things that I did or learned over the past two years through this journey:
Educate Yourself – I found myself assisting someone that I loved with something that I did not know much about. Initially the only information that I had was what my friend told me from his doctor’s appointments and his own emotions and experiences. Then I noticed things that made it imperative for me to do some research of my own. This became important as I made attempts to keep my friend healthy, positive, and in some cases, alive. One of the main things that I researched was what to say and what not to say to someone who is depressive and/or suicidal. I took notes and put them into practice as much as I possibly could during any serious encounters that we had.
Know What Works For Your Loved One – One thing that I read while educating myself on clinical depression was not to tell a suicidal person that they should “live for their family” but instead to encourage them to live for themselves. Well, in moments where a person doesn’t see their own value, that may not work out so well (ask me how I know). Such was the case for my friend. He felt way less than adequate, so saying “You’ve got to live for you” was no immediate help. So, in order to get us through another day or another night, I’d assure him that those of us who loved him wanted him to remain alive and work toward good mental health. When he countered that we would be fine without him and even gave specifics around what he would want us to do if he didn’t make it, I would counter by painting the picture for him of what it would be like for his mother, his family, and even for me if he ended his life. I didn’t lie. I didn’t have to. Everything that I said was 100% true, even though he was not easily convinced of it. My methodology was this: If I can get him to make it through one more day, one more week, then there’s still hope that he can get the help that he needs and begin to make better choices for his life.
Get to the Truth – My friend at times had a hard time telling me the truth. I had to make sure that I asked questions and asked them enough to notice any inconsistencies. This may have been due to shame or just trying to appease us while he fought the battle for himself in his own way (whether it was working or not). Getting to the truth often required some brave conversations and some intentionality on my part. This was pivotal in one instance where he told me that he had been taking his medication during a severe depressive episode. It took me a few minutes, but I then remembered that he was supposed to be on 2 pills instead of 1, and I had only seen 1 pill bottle in his room when I arrived. So, I asked again. Then the truth came out: He had negotiated with his doctor to only take the second pill if it was absolutely necessary. Since he had locked himself in his bedroom closet for the better part of a week by this point, it was obvious that the second pill was necessary at that time. However, in his quest to not be “dependent” on medication, he opted to still not take the second pill, and try to convince himself and me that he didn’t think he needed it.
Help Them With Accountability – Often those who struggle with depression may need help in simply doing things such as taking their medication. However, you should find ways to help them with their own accountability. This can take on various forms and scenarios. With me and my friend, it took the form of a “come to Jesus” conversation where I was very blunt with him. This was not in the first week or month, this was after several months or almost a year and some very telling situations regarding his choices dealing with his medication. Because the trust and relationship was already there, he understood what I was saying and knew that I was saying it out of truth. I did not demean him, but I was truthful and put the ball in his court regarding some areas that we both knew that he had the power and ability to manage in a way that would improve his health. You must find what works for your friend. Each person is different, but there has to be some accountability on their part, even if it’s done in small doses at a time.
Recognize Your Limitations – I am not superman, and neither are you. I was able to provide the help that I provided through the grace of God. I honestly believe that God graced me amazingly for that season of our lives. However, there were nights that after talking for hours, I knew that what was ultimately needed was something that I could not provide. While obviously my friend wanted to live without depression, he was for a time quite unwilling to live with depression and ultimately saw no end to the temporary depressive episode. If I was unable to convince him otherwise in the moment (and by moment, I mean hours and sometimes over the course of days or weeks), and things deteriorated in his health to the point that he was inconsolable, I had to make some tough decisions. That could range from going to get him and bring him to my apartment, to calling the local police to do a wellness check if I could not get to him, to saying “ok”, hanging up the phone, and praying that God would do what I could not do in that moment. I could not save him every time. It pained me, and I even cried over it. But, I had to do all that I could, nothing less, but nothing more.
Gain Trust - The more I made it clear that he could trust me, the more he would tell me and share with me. He even eventually gave me access to his apartment in the event that there was an emergency. Because he trusted me enough to share, I knew how to get to the truth a little easier. This was not just for bad things that occurred, but also for good things that were happening. This came through listening and non-judgement. Non-judgement does not mean you don’t hold someone accountable: it means that you don’t give up on someone regardless of where they find themselves currently. Sharing the positive things that occurred in his journey helped just as much or even more than sharing the negative things. When he shared with me a personal encounter he had with God regarding his next steps in life, I was able to point back to that in later low moments, and remind him of the hope of what God had promised him. His ability to share the positives renewed my own hope and in turn gave me something that he could personally validate to help him manage challenges.
Take Notes - He probably doesn’t know this, but I took notes in my phone that were pertinent to him. These notes included his full name and date of birth, the names of medications that he was taking at various times, his address in the event that I had to have authorities do a wellness check, a couple of good pictures of him (he threatened to shut down his social media), as well as specifics of his wellness plan from his doctor. Some of these notes I never needed to use thankfully, but I kept them just in case. Anything that I thought would be handy in helping later or providing assistance to professionals in maintaining his health, I kept it in my phone, especially before he trusted me enough to connect me with his immediate family.
Lean Into Empathy - I had many fearful nights and days from May of 2019 through about March of 2020. There were nights and sometimes multiple days that I had no clue where my friend was. His mental health deteriorated to the point that he would often wander away from home for hours or even days. These were quite possibly the scariest times. The days where I wasn’t sure if my friend was still alive. Calling his phone and getting no answer, sometimes for up to 4 days at a time, only to find out that he had somehow managed to end up in another city with plans to end it all, or had checked himself into the psych ward to ensure his own safety. Calling him while in my car looking for him in the vicinity of where he lived, trying to get to him before he did something detrimental. I’m not going to lie: It took a lot. But, I can honestly say that I’m elated that I was able to do it. That someone was able to be there, and if that was me, then all praise to God. In the most difficult, stressful, and sometimes even bizarre times, what kept me pushing was two things: if it was me who was too weak to fight for myself, I’d want someone to fight for me, and, if anything were to happen to my friend I wanted to be able to say that I personally did all that I could to help him.
If you’re a caretaker, an accountability partner, or even just a friend of someone who has a mental illness, it’s not always easy. But the benefit of seeing my friend now, maintaining his health, helping others, and to see how God has rewarded him just for hanging in there in the worst of times, is unimaginable! I still ask him about his medication occasionally and the growth is out of this world. He’s a better person. I’m a better person. This is what he and I and his family and friends prayed for — growth and progress. The journey continues, but the hill is not as steep. Stay encouraged: You can provide a community to help your loved one make it through this together!